Let Me Tell You About My Library

I can't say enough great things about my public library. Our library isn't just for books anymore... I've blogged before about how my mother would borrow artwork from our library. And the delightful evening I spent with my family reliving childhood memories with Cowboy Bob in the Red Room at the library only a couple of months ago.

However, on Thursday night, I had a whole different kind of experience. The library hosted a program by a local floral shop: Claudia's Flora Bunda (www.claudiasflorabunda.com). The program was completely free and included each participant being guided in the creation of their own daisy basket. I don't know how the program came to be, I didn't ask. Whether the flower shop volunteered or the library recruited them, it doesn't matter. It was simply a delightful evening.

I reconnected with my flower design roots as I remembered fondly the floral designs of my mother and grandmother. I was surrounded by people eager to learn and people who were supportive of their efforts. God orchestrated my sitting next to a woman who shared similiar experiences with a child born with a heart defect. It was amazing. I love living in my hometown. I love my library. I love my LORD who brought me back to my hometown after a little waundering. He has great plans for me and hidden treasures, some of which I can find at my own library.

Washed Up & Broken

Walking down the beach at sunrise is not a regular occurrence for me. Doing anything at sunrise for that matter is not part of my routine. However on our family vacation to Folly Beach, South Carolina, I enjoyed a couple of very early mornings on the beach watching the sunrise.

Besides the view of God's beautiful handiwork in the sunrise, I also saw His majesty and grace in the shells that littered the beach. Lapping waves and the squish of sand between my toes. The crunch of small shells under my feet.

Searching for sand dollars and shells, the Lord taught me a lesson about being washed up and broken. My niece was in search of shells worthy to take home for a best friend. She said she didn't want "just any shell", it had to be "special". Looking for the "perfect shell" became a challenge. But what I soon came to realize was that the "perfect shell" didn't exist.

Most of the shells that had washed up were broken or worn by the sea. Even the shells that seemed to be in tact were really just half of what they used to be and the creature that lived inside them was no more. That meant they were not whole, if they weren't whole, they couldn't be perfect. Instead, I began to see the beauty and the desirability of even the most broken shell. I stopped looking for what others considered perfect or beautiful and started looking with different eyes.

That is me, I am washed up and broken. A sinner saved by grace. God has washed me in the waters of baptism, and though I am broken, I am broken as a part of His perfect will for me. My old self is gone and I am transformed into a new creation. My former self is now a new creature in Christ. I am no longer seen as imperfect, Christ's blood makes me perfect in God's eyes. I am treasured by The One who found me. I am in His grasp.

I will display the shells from my trip, but God doesn't want to put me in a container for display. No, He wants to pour me back out and send me out to be His ambassador. He wants me to tell the story of His grace, the story of His Son Jesus Christ whose body was broken for me. That I might be seen as perfect.

Absence of Words

This summer, our family is studying the Book of Proverbs from God's Holy Word. We have decided to divide the study into thirteen different themes. One theme a week until school resumes. Thus far we have looked at Wisdom - an Introduction to Proverbs, Anger, and this week the theme is Words.

I have been given cause to stop and think about my words and more importantly the absence of my words as I am preparing to travel to India this November. When I heard of the great opportunity to reach out in love to the people of India, I was quite excited. I was prayerfully considering what role I might play on our team which will conduct Eyeglass Clinics, Women and Children's Outreach, and Beach Volleyball Clinics.

Anyone who knows me even remotely would realize that beach volleyball will likely NOT be my call on this trip. What would I be doing? Women and Children's Outreach seems a natural fit, a God-given role to explore the gifts He has given me. This will likely be my focus and yet the group's leader suggested that I consider a role at the Prayer Station of the Eyeglass Clinic.

You should have seen my eyes light up. A Prayer Station... a prayer warrior, this is what God has been conditioning me for over the last fourteen years. This most certainly was the fit. I became quite giddy really over the whole idea, I would get to pray for people and see God work. Then a few days later, God gave me an epiphany: "Sara, You don't speak their language, but I do!". I was crushed at first, how was I going to pray effectively for a person who could not understand my words.

Ugh, just writing it makes me sick to my stomach. How prideful I was to think that "my words", were what the people would need to hear. Then God's Holy Spirit spoke to me and said "Sara, I will intercede on your behalf, they will hear My WORDs, not your words". Wow, my then deflated spirit began to explode with great joy. I was going to have the privilege of being filled with the Holy Spirit to speak His WORDs, unfettered by my ill-equipped tongue.

I have now begun to pray for a Pentecost Experience. I am trusting in the LORD that the people will say "How is it that each of us hears her, in our own native language?" (Much liberty taken from Acts 2). It may not be an outward understanding or a direct experience of speaking their language, but I trust that God will reveal Himself through His Word given out through my unworthy mouth.

I also have been struck that my ministry will not be effective on the presence of my words, but the absence of them. I will show His love with my eyes, my hands, my feet, my presence in the country. All of this possible through Him ONLY!!!

As for our study of Words from the Book of Proverbs, we are challenging ourselves to have an absence of words throughout the week. Yesterday was our first challenge. For fifteen minutes, we did not speak a word, hear a word from TV, radio, ipod, etc... we did not type a word or read an email. We simply went about life with no words. A gesture here or there asking silently for our need to be met, perhaps the need for milk to be poured.

I wasn't sure it was possible and yet, I knew with God all things are possible even the silence of a family for a mere fifteen minutes. We did it in God's grace, and it was even at the suggestion of Carson our eight year old. He requested the silence. We all granted that request together with the help of God's Holy Spirit. Imagine what we can do for Him, when we focus on His desire for us!

The amount of words in this blog post are many, yet, I hope they portray our desire to have His Words be our words or the lack there of when necessary. Where do you need the absence of words in your life? Are you seeking the presence of His Words?

Confessions of An Imperfect Mama

On Monday, I admonished my eldest son Carson in public for speaking to me in a way that I perceived was disrespectful. I told him, "Some parents may let their kids speak to them that way, but I'm not one of them". I am sure that I had said it in a gruff tone, because I had lost my patience at least once already. Carson tried to defend himself by saying he didn't mean to be disrespectful and I just wasn't hearing it.

Then Carson said something that stopped me in my tracks. There in the middle of Sam's Club, Carson proclaims "If you were looking for a perfect kid, I am not the one". Wow! Those were powerful words to hear. Taking him in my arms, I tried to back pedal and assure him, I wasn't looking for the perfect kid.

What am I looking for in my kids? I have been mulling it over all week. I can't expect perfect, but isn't it my job to teach my children to be respectful? Yet, was I being respectful of Carson's feelings by gruffly calling him out in Sam's Club? Ugh, parenting is a very difficult job. I have confessed to God privately that I have not been the mother I am called to be, nor have I have been the wife, the sister (in law), daughter (in law) or friend I should be.

Jesus told His disciples in John 13:34, "A new command, I give you, Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another". This verse says it not once, but three times : "Love one another". Jesus says that I must love others as He has loved me. That means unconditionally. Not only when my son behaves respectfully but when he is disrespectful. Not only when I agree with the actions of those I love, but also when I do not.

Yesterday, I let Carson down in some way, I don't even remember what it was that I did. I do remember turning to him in the car and saying "If you were looking for a perfect mama, I am not the one". Something freeing in admitting I am not perfect. That I make mistakes as a parent (wife, sibling, daughter, friend, etc).

Jesus asked the woman caught in adultery (found in John 8:10-11) "Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?" "No one, sir," she said. "Then neither do I condemn you," Jesus declared. "Go now and leave your life of sin." If I am supposed to love like Jesus, then I must have His attitude. He loved the imperfect woman, but He loved her enough to challenge her to change.

I am challenged to change today. To love my children, my husband, my siblings, my in laws, my friends, well everyone, as Jesus does. I have a responsibility with my children to love them unconditionally. Yet, I must challenge as Jesus does with grace and also with firm expectation.

Who do you need to love unconditionally and challenge expectantly today?

So, What Do You Want for Your Birthday?

As my birthday is approaching next month, I have begun to have people ask me: "So, What do you want for your birthday?". This isn't an unusual question to ask someone who is about to celebrate a birthday, but it is a question for me that is full of promise and potential. Not promises of baubles and pretty shiny things, but of the impossible being possible.

Let me tell you the story.... When Ephraim was born October 2004 with a heart condition this was frightening. Then he was having little success with nursing or taking a bottle and was having trouble gaining weight. In January 2005 Ephraim had an NG (nasogastric)feeding tube placed as his primary source of nutrition given he was too weak to eat.

This NG tube was scary, damaging to Ephraim's little cheeks, and just plain overwhelming. Yet, it seemed it was medically necessary to get Ephraim the calories he needed. I had prayed for an answer to Ephraim's inability to take food for a very long time. I agonized before the LORD and I pleaded for Ephraim to gain weight and be restored. Months passed with little progress for Ephraim in the eating and gaining weight area. I continued to pray and search the scriptures.

After Ephraim had his first open heart surgery in April 2005, I began to see many answers to my prayers. Yet, this feeding tube still remained. Ephraim was gaining strength. I prayed for God to show us what we should do. Two of the medical professionals we were dealing with were insistent that Ephraim remain on the NG tube. Yet, this did not seem to be helping Ephraim. I was at my wits end.

The last weekend of April 2005, my mother took me to lunch at Montana Mikes. I can see her now sitting across from me asking me that fateful question: "So, What do you want for your birthday?". I burst into tears and said "All, I want for my birthday is for my baby to be off that NG Tube.". Of course my mother could not fulfill that request, but that was my honest heart's desire. No one thought it possible. It was in fact by some considered medically inadvisable.

I went home after this weekend and prayed. I prayed and I cried. I cried and I prayed. I opened up God's WORD and I said, "SHOW ME!!!!". And there it was, a verse given directly to me from God... "Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him". Psalm 34:8.

The LORD had given me His WORD and then He said to me "Sara, Ephraim needs that tube out so he can taste and see that food is good". I realized in hindsight He was also saying to me, "Sara, take that leap of faith, remove that tube and see that I am good, I can give you what you are asking for".

On May 4, 2005 with the support of Ephraim's loving Christian pediatrician, I removed the NG tube. Ephraim slowly began to see that he could eat on his own, he did not need that tube. He was quite honestly stubborn (comes by it honestly). It took a few agonizing days of trying, but Ephraim was eating very well by the bottle by the time my birthday rolled around on May 9, 2005.

I NEVER thought that I would get my birthday request when I made it that day to my mother at Montana Mikes. It seemed so impossible, yet God made it possible. Here is what I have learned lately though... Yes, God indeed made it possible, however Ephraim had to do the work to eat. God provided the ability and the motivation, but Ephraim had to desire to eat and then he had to make it happen.

God is the God of the IMPOSSIBLE. He can do ANYTHING, but He will NOT force His miracles on ANYONE. We have to want to be healed and be an active participant. He has great things that He will do, if we will just "Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him". Psalm 34:8.

I have been thinking about this post since people began asking me this year what I wanted for my birthday. Then yesterday morning the LORD brought the idea to my mind. In my usual fashion I put it off, then this morning I was doing my Bible Study and I came to Psalm 34. I found the passage I was looking for (not verse 8) and started to move on to the rest of my study, but instead, I turned back (Holy Spirit's nudging) and saw verse 8 underlined in my Bible and a notation in the side of the day Ephraim's NG tube was removed. Okay LORD, I get it. I am supposed to write this post.

Then as I sit here writing, I looked down at verse 9 of Psalm 34. Here is what it says "Fear, the LORD, you His saints, for those who fear Him lack nothing.". Wow, this is so true, of course all of His WORDs are true, yet how personal and meaningful they are to me today.

So, What do I want for my birthday this year? Again this year, I want the IMPOSSIBLE. God is able to answer my request, however, it will require desire on the part of the one who can ultimately take the step to change the situation. It will also take a tremendous leap of faith and a huge amount of determination to see it through.

I am not giving up. I know that God is the God of the IMPOSSIBLE, and I know that it is possible.... Will you (and you know who you are) please, please, please, take that step????

In Memory of My Mother - Carmen Antoinette Coers Carson

I've been thinking about my mother a lot lately. Wondering what she might have to say about different things going on in my life. I don't have my mother to consult as she has gone on to be with her LORD and Savior, but I do have a very precious treasure.

In 2004, My mother compiled a beautiful book she self titled "Omi's Memories". God brought this book to mind when I was searching for answers. Here are a few of her words:

On the subject of flowers..."I love to have fresh flowers in my home. It is the closest I come to having a hobby. I walk in the yard and look down to see a new bloom, it makes me smile. I have been joyfully challenged to do wedding flowers, Lily Pavilion designs, flowers for competition at fairs and flower shows. Flowers for friends and family are often a way I express my love".

On the subject of love and marriage... "I learned that loves is for better and worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part. Love is a huge commitment, be prepared to go the distance. Poppy* said, "I hope someday you will love me as much as I love you." He was exceedingly kind and long suffering".


*Poppy was the term of endearment given to my father David Carson by my sister Maria's daughter Lisa. Lisa was the only grandchild to meet her Poppy.

As a way to honor the memory of my mother, Ephraim and I made a flower design using a twig and container from her collection. The flowers came from our own yard and Ephraim proudly helped me cut them with his own scissors. I am not only printing her words for you to read, but am doing my very best (with Christ's help) to live them. To share a love for flowers, a love for my husband & sons and most importantly a love for my LORD.

A Spring Break Special Dessert!

It is Spring Break and we are all on vacation! Troy took the week off. Yesterday we went to the Children's Museum and today we are all hanging out at home. Ephraim had earned a special dessert on his chart (kept for motivation to sleep in his own bed). We decided to make the Rainbow Cupcakes from this month's Family Fun magazine.

Ephraim stuck right there with me until near the end. Six bowls of batter each tinted a different color and layered in a muffin tin. Lots of work, but lots of fun. They don't bother to show you the pile of dirty dishes you make at the end (but I am showing you!). Troy said "That looks like a pain"... I said "Yes, but that is what makes a Special Dessert special". And special it was indeed!

A rainbow reminds me of God's promise never to flood the entire earth again. And I can claim the strength that God always keeps His promises. No matter what we face whether a pile of dirty dishes of our own doing or a serious illness or devastating family news, God is in control and He always keeps His promises.